Man’s Best Friend

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
~ Andrew A. Rooney

As most of you know, I have a husband and a dog. I really do love both of them very much and I would highly recommend to anybody considering dogs or husbands to really give it serious thought because both are great to have around the house. And really, owning a dog and having a husband really have some shocking similarities. Both enjoy cuddling, most conflicts can be resolved with food, when you lock them in the house all day alone they’re overjoyed when you come back, they are (when left to their own devices) more than happy to crowd you in the bed, and both create unique little messes simply by existing in the house for hours a day. While most of the listed qualities make husbands and dogs more enduring in our hearts, the last example does create a headache or two. Though I will say quite thankfully, the messes that each leave are vastly different. I highly doubt the dog will have much occasion to leave his socks in little balls at the foot of the bed, and I would be truly shocked and horrified if I came home to a mess on the carpet left by my husband not quite being able to make it outside to relieve himself.

Every day, my dog leaves so much hair around the house, I have a hard time figuring out just how he’s not totally naked.  And I vacuum several times a week, and I think with the amount of dog hair I dust off of every flat surface of our house, pick out of the couch, and scrape off the carpet, I could probably knit a whole new dog.  When I was sick with the flu and didn’t vacuume for a week, we quite literally had doghair tumbleweeds rolling through our kitchen.  I love my dog, but sometimes I wonder if he intentionally goes about sprinkling hair that he collects from other dogs while out at the dog park around the house while I’m out grocery shopping or while I’m at the gym.  It’s amazing, especially since 20 hours a day he’s fast asleep on the floor, which common sense would dictate would mean he’s not finding time to explode hair all over the living room.

Thankfully, I’ve come up with some ways to make the house that’s mostly wall-to-wall dark blue carpet not look like the bottom of a kennel, and it doesn’t involve shaving the dog:

**  Regular vaccuming is a must.  Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I do a vacuum of the high traffic areas of our house.  Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I use a Carpet Flick or Carpet Sweeper in the main part of the house, hitting only his favorite sleeping spots (under the Dining Room table, for example).  A Dust Buster works miracles on the tumbleweeds of fir that seem to migrate to the non-carpeted rooms of the house (like the Kitchen and Bathroom).

**  If you have a vaccum like mine, it doesn’t quite get all the way to the wall.  Incidentally, this is the spot that seems to collect the most dog hair.  Using a hand broom and dustpan (whisk broom, whatever you want to call it) to kind of comb up the carpet along the edges of the room and in corners works miracles.  I personally prefer the plastic hand brooms over the straw ones because that little bit of static it generates grabs up some of the smaller, finer hairs.

**  My dog isn’t allowed on the couch, which means he’s only on it when we’re not looking…  Pretty much anytime we leave the house.  The dog hair just sticks to couches and chairs.  Put on a set of rubber gloves (like the kind you use when you’re washing dishes…  The ones with textured fingers and palms are the best), and run your hands over the couch.  You’ll literally peel the dog hair off the couch.  Even those hairs that get embedded in the cloth.

**  I use my homemade Frebreeze mixture and spray it on the couch, bed, and high traffic areas of the rug.  It reduces the static that makes cleaning dog hair that much harder.  I also rub down the dog with used dryer sheets to collect some of his hair, and to help de-static the dog.  In winter, he gets zapped more than a kid wearing slipper pjs.

**  When it comes down to it, taking the dog out and brushing him or her down regularly makes a big difference.  Just spend 3 minutes a day giving the dog a good brush down, and leave the hair outside for the birds.  Around here, the birds will take the dog hair to line their nests, so I chuck all the dog hair I can out there.  Maybe that’s why our property is home to so many nesting robins, chickadees, swallows, sparrows, and wrens… 

 To those of you looking for tips on how to share a bed with both a husband and a dog… I can’t help you there. Every night, I sleep in the fetal position in my 2 square feet of bed, flanked by snoring husband and twitching dog. I’m obviously no authority in that department.

Monday: I’m Just Not That Into You.

Well ladies, it’s Monday again.  It seems like every week at about this time, it’s a Monday.  I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one who’s not a fan of Mondays. 

Part of the reason I hate Mondays is because during the weekend, I don’t do any cleaning aside from my morning and evening routines.  As a result, some Mondays I’m greeted by the catastrophe that is my house.  The logical solution would be to, of course, do some cleaning over the weekend, but gosh darn it…  I’m just too lazy.  So Mondays, I’m all about the cleaning that is thorough, effective, and most of all, quick.  That’s why I’m very glad that Mondays are Kitchen Day in my cleaning schedule.  Because we’re there in it all the time, we’re kind of forced to keep it moderately clean, making it quicker to clean on the days where I have to clean it.  All things being equal, I can completely clean my kitchen in about 10-15 minutes, from top to bottom.  20 if Mr. Stepford did the cooking all weekend.  Really, I don’t devote more than an hour a day to cleaning my house. 

Impossible, you say?  Well, watch this:

Kitchen Cleaning Routine

Fill a bowl of water with lime juice and water, microwave for 2-3 minutes

While microwaving water, fill up both sides of sink with hot, soapy water, about 4 inches worth

With a broom, knock down cobwebs from ceiling, working clockwise around the room

With a microfiber cloth that’s dampened with some of the hot, soapy water, wipe down spots on upper cabinets (again working clockwise around the room)

With same microwiber cloth, wipe spots and stains off the wall and tile backsplashes that are above the counters.  Wipe any appliance you come across as you go by (excluding stove, fridge, microwave…  Just hit things like mixers, decorative knick-knacks, toaster ovens, etc).  You’re still going clockwise, right?

Wipe off spots on lower cabinets, and wipe down the space between the bottom of the cabinets and the floor.  I don’t have to tell you to keep going clockwise…

Now, with a new microfiber rag, open up the microwave and wipe it clean, cleaning the ceiling of the microwave first, then back, sides, and finally bottom and door.  Clean out around the door seal too.

Time to hit the stove…  Using the same cloth you cleaned the microwave with (unless it’s nasty, then get a new cloth), wipe it down with the soapy sink water.  Don’t forget to clean the top of the oven door, the sides of the oven door, and the drip pans.

Counter time!  Spray a fresh microfiber cloth with a vinegar and water spray, or a glass cleaner with disinfectant in it (yes, there is such a thing), and wipe down all of the counters, working clockwise, and wiping down the top and sides of the microwave, oven, and sink as you go.

Finally, with the hot soapy water, scrub the sink, rinse, spray and wipe/buff with glass cleaner, and…  If you feel like it, wipe the insides of the sink with baby oil to prevent stains and water marks (and make it super shiny). 

Ta da!

It sounds like a lot, but really once you’ve done it a few times, you can crank right through the routine.  There are just three key things to remember:

1.  You’re not cleaning to make things perfect, you’re cleaning to make things better than they were before you started.

2.  Cleaning is an investment…  The more you clean, the easier it will become.  So the first time you do the routine, it might take you 30 minutes, but as you clean over and over, there will be less to clean.

3.  Clean only what needs to be cleaned.  If it doesn’t need to be cleaned, don’t waste your time.  If your cabinets all look great, except for a couple spots from where you dropped tomato sauce, then just clean those spots.  No need to clean the whole thing every time you clean.  By cleaning only what needs cleaning, you save yourself a ton of time and energy…  There are, of course, exceptions to this rule…  Such as when something needs to be disinfected.  Your toilet and counters might look clean, but I’d give them a wipe with the ol’ disinfectant anyway. 

So, enough of that.  I made some Banana Bread, and it’s time to eat.  LOL!

Until next time!

Back From Break in B&B

Hello again, ladies! 

Mr. Stepford and I took some time out for just the two of us to visit the world beyond Stepford.  Mr. Stepford and I will be making that transition from Mr. and Mrs. (plus dog) to Mr. and Mrs. (plus dog) who’re trying for Baby.  To commemorate the occasion, we decided to spend the weekend tucked away in the woods, in a positively beautiful Bed and Breakfast.  After all, when we concieve Baby Stepford, it’s not likely we’ll be able to pack up and run off for a weekend, so we might as well enjoy the freedom now. 

I promise, tomorrow I’ll get back into the swing of things and make my regular postings.  Today, with two huge suitcases that need unpacking, and the dinner hour looming ever nearer, I can’t bring myself to find the time to focus enough to drill out a blog entry. 

Thank goodness for freezer pleaser meals, eh ladies?

Even Stepford Wives Need Pampering

Ladies of Stepford, the holidays are over, the halls undecked, the Christmas cards out the door, and life has returned to it’s normal state of frantic chaos.  But if your life is like mine, the only difference between the chaos during Christmas and the chaos that goes on the other 11 months of the year is a lot of colored lights, a tree in the living room, and at some point I’m promised to get presents for all my trouble.

Let’s face it, in order to pamper our houses, we have to pamper ourselves first, it’s a simple fact. 

One of my favorite quick-pamper solutions is an exfoliating bath scrub.  Every other day, I use an exfoliating scrub in the shower, and it leaves my skin soft and smooth and shining.  Now, my favorite scrub is from the True Blue Spa: Island Getaway line from Bath & Body Works, called “Need a Margarita?”  It’s positively delish.  But the stuff costs $13.50 for only 6 ounces, can you believe that?!  I think that was even the sale price. 

Luckily, this Stepford Wife is not only got an eye for the luxurious, but also an eye for the frugal.  So I’ve created a knock-off that works just as well, for mere fraction of the price.  You could use my version every day for a month and it’d still cost less than one pot of the store brand.

Now, forgive me, but I usually make this concoction based off of sight and not measurements.  But making this stuff isn’t an exact science, so I’m sure you all are smart enough to figure it out.

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The Stepford Wife’s Exfoliating Margarita Exfoliating Scrub

• Powdered Margarita Mix, 2-3 packets
• Sugar
• Baby Oil
• Lime Juice
• Lemon/Lime Oil (optional)

In a glass jelly jar or other dish, combine the powdered margarita mix with about 1 1/2 – 2 cups of sugar.  Combine with enough baby oil to completely moisten the sugar.  There should be more sugar than oil in the mixture, and little to no standing oil in the mixture (but if there is, the world won’t end, it’ll still work fine).  Add a splash of lime juice (maybe 1-2 tablespoons), and a few drops of lemon/lime/ or even coconut oil, and stir. 

Store in the jelly jar, making sure to have a layer of plastic wrap between the lid and the mixture.  If it appears to dry out a bit, a splash more baby oil or a splash of water will wake it right up.

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The beautiful thing is that you can really switch this up with any powdered drink mix.  I love using Pina Colada mix, too (but I replace the lime juice with coconut juice).  Gimlet mix is wonderful too.  And you can use it all over your body…  After shaving, on rough spots on knees and elbows…  I would, though, avoid the face.  This is more for body than face.I promise you ladies, this will leave your skin soft and beautiful, and smelling like delish.  Follow up this scrub with cotton gloves and footsies, and nobody will ever know that you’ve spent the day scrubbing your brains out.

And should some of the mix fall into a drink with a shot of tequila, your secret is safe with me.

Cleaning Your Throne

So my darlings, I’m back to the online world.  Seems my comments were hijacked by evil spammers, which pushed me to jump back in and regain control of my blog!  I guess clutter isn’t limited to your house, is it?

To reward my faithful readers, both of you, here’s some helpful tips related to keeping your throne squeaky clean. 

• Been practicing your pucker on the mirror?  Have little fingerprints that just won’t vanish no matter how hard you scrub?  Mysterious spots show up in the weirdest spots that make you think you’ve contracted chicken pox whenever you gaze at your reflection?  The answer: shaving cream.  Borrow your husband’s foaming shaving cream and smear a thin layer all over the mirror, or on the pesky stain that won’t vanish.  Let it set for a couple of minutes (I use the opportunity to shave…  Why not, right?), then scrape off the cream with your hands or a squeegee, and wipe off the mirror with a wet rag.  Irritating smudges?  Gone.  Added bonus: some shaving creams actually keep your mirror from fogging up during steamy showers.  Sweet!
• Plop, plop, fizz, fizz…  Clean the can using Alka-Seltzer, or if your can is especially dark and dank, whitening denture tablets.  Plop 2-4 tablets in the toilet (depending on how icky it is), take a shower and let them fizz for 20-30 minutes.  Then, give them the toilet a scrub, a swish, and a flush, and you’ve got a toilet as clean as Grandpa’s pearly whites.  Got a hopper that doesn’t get much action?  Drop one or two tablets in the can each week to fight that ring-round-the potty.
• Stubborn shower soap scum…  We all have it.  Use a regular scrubbing sponge or a scrub brush and some of your shampoo to wash it away.  Fight it from coming back by rubbing in a thin layer of lemon, orange, mineral, or baby oil on the sides of the tub.
• Love after shower sprays but hate the price?  Well then take your baby’s soap and put one capful of it in a spraybottle filled with water, maybe a splash of vinegar for good measure.  That works just as well as any commercial shower spray.  And it requires no batteries.
• Next time you stand over your sink to scrub your smile, squeeze some of that toothpaste on your faucet.  While you brush away your dragon breath, use a paper towel or cotton rag, to scrub down the faucet.  Rinse your mouth, and rinse your faucet, give the faucet a quick buff with a microfiber cloth or tissue, and admire your gorgeous smile shining back from your clean faucet.  Please note: as tempting as it may be, don’t use your husband’s toothbrush to scrub down the faucet.  That’s just not nice.
• Not really remembering what color your plastic inner shower curtain because it’s covered by a funky black growth that reminds you of a horror movie?  Take down the plastic liner, throw it in the washer with a shot of bleach.  Put it through the regular cycle, and if you feel so motivated, maybe run it through the rinse and spin cycle an extra time.  You know, just for good measure.  Icky mildew and mold is gone, and curtain restored to it’s original beauty.  Unless you’re like me and you buy the cheapo brand X liners which may or may not survive the spin cycle more than a 5 or so times before it falls aprt…  Then there’s no helping you, go buy a new curtain.  HA!

That should be enough to tide you folks over for the time being.